The Matchmaking affair Sept 2017

The Matchmaking Affair © Sept2017

Jennifer kept telling me I had to sign up for the match

I thought it was Dublin and Mayo but there was a catch

She’s worried about me being single and using cookware

And she wants me involved in this matchmaking affair

A scene could easily arise which might be nerve wracking

Having a woman in my kitchen and she’d be quarterbacking

So one night I went to bed and about it started dreaming

When I saw the woman assigned to me I started screaming

 She really was a Shorty she must weigh four hundred pound

I don’t think she was as tall as she was all around

Her hair was not long but it was dyed in purple and red

If I could find the matchmaker he would soon be dead

She had a dotted mini skirt that was way above her knees

You’d need good heat in your car or this girl would freeze

In the application I said age 25 but something had gone wrong

I also said I’d like a girl who’d look good in a thong

I really think that thongs look better on girls who are small

But this size of girl would look better in a Galway shawl.

As she came across the floor I thought this is no Cleopatra

I won’t be singing her songs on Karaoke made famous by Sinatra.

She didn’t look too old I’d guess about twenty seven or eight

No wonder she went to matchmaking to get herself a date

She had a tattoo on her neck looking like a real ugly cat

And snakes going up her legs that stopped at you know what

She said my name is Alice and meeting you I am really scared

I’ve listened to your shows for years I was hoping we’d be paired

She said I follow you in secret and read almost every transaction

The movie that came to my mind was Fatal Attraction

My parents said that if we got matched to invite you to our home

And maybe while you were visiting you’d read my Mom a poem

She said they spoiled her rotten she being an only child

She wanted to settle down she was tired of running wild

She said her parents are very rich and their home is like a palace

And everything they own goes to the man that marries their Alice

So already after five minutes she’s thinking of a marriage ceremony

And I’m thinking of her love for Baloney, Macaroni, and pepperoni

She said she had a tattoo of me I’d have to guess where

I couldn’t believe it when she said it was on her derriere

I should say this girl had a really weird kind of class

She already had a tattoo of my face painted on her ass

This would be a lovely conversation with a girl of twenty three

Or a girl weighing around one twenty five with a masters degree

You know very well that I’m not young and am ready for retiring

This was trouble with a capital T and I was heavily perspiring

And then I woke up from the dream and there was no more Alice

But I wish the dream had lasted long enough for me to see the Palace

What could a person do if you got a partner so extreme?

At least Thank God in my case it was just a terrible dream